


The Swaim's Mistress

by wolfy_writing



Category: Agents of Cracked, Cracked.com
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 02:14:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/768799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfy_writing/pseuds/wolfy_writing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a hit-and-run accident, pregnant Daniel doesn’t remember Michael Swaim. He’s horrified that he was his boyfriend.  Worse, Michael wants to get married…</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Swaim's Mistress

Daniel lay in the hospital bed, rubbing his head. He seemed to be in a hospital. The last thing he remembered, he’d just been walking into work for his first day at Cracked.com, when something landed on his head.

And now he was in the hospital. Well, it seemed pretty obvious what had happened.

He started to sit up, then looked down and screamed.

\---

“Hello, ...Mr. O’Brien? How are you?” Some guy in scrubs came in.

“What the fuck happened to my stomach?” Dan gestured to the huge round bulge. It looked like...a tumor, or a beach ball implanted under his skin or something.

“Your stomach?” The guy in scrubs frowned. “You mean the baby?”

“What? What baby? What are you talking about?”

“Your stomach. The baby. It’s fine, by the way. It wasn’t injured in the accident. Actually, we have some questions about your pregnancy.”

“You have questions?” Dan yelled. “ _You_ have questions?”

\---

There was a different guy in a white lab coat, and this one had a clipboard. If Scrubs was anything to go by, that meant he was a real doctor.

“Hello, Mr. O’Brien. How are you.” He looked at Dan’s chart.

“I have no clue. That guy says I’m pregnant, and that...makes less than no sense. I mean you have no idea.”

“Right,” said presumably-a-doctor. “We had some questions about that. Are you transgendered or in the process of transitioning?”

“What? No!”

“Intersexual?”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“It means a person with a combination of male and female anatomy.”

“No.” Dan shook his head. “Definitely not.”

“But you are anatomically female, right? You consider yourself male, but you...have a vagina.”

“No!”

The doctor blinked. “Are you sure?”

“Sure I don’t have a vagina? I think I can be pretty damn sure of that.”

“But you’re pregnant.”

“No I’m not!” Dan shook his head. “Look, this is some sort of stupid mistake. Someone mixed up blood tests or something, and it’ll turn out I...have fatal stomach cancer or something.” Dan frowned. “Shit, I probably have cancer!”

“No, you’re definitely pregnant. I was there when we did the emergency ultrasound. Actually, you could go into labor any day now.”

“I can’t be pregnant!”

“You can’t? Your boyfriend seemed to think you were.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend!”

The doctor looked down at the clipboard. “Michael Swaim?”

Dan put his hand to his head. “Oh, now I get it. This is some sort of horribly twisted prank, right? Let’s all mess with the new guy. Knock him on the head and make him think he’s pregnant. Okay, you got me. I was incredibly freaked out. So if you could just...undo whatever the hell you did to my stomach, I can...flee in terror. But I promise, I won’t call the police.” He was totally going to call the police.

The doctor looked at the guy without a lab coat. “Call neurology. We need to run some tests.”

\---

“Hey, T-Bone! What’s up!” A new guy, who didn’t seem to be any kind of medical person, popped in the room. “Can we get out of here? They don’t have any good drugs except for pills, and those don’t work on me.”

“I really think you’re in the wrong room.”

“No, I’m here for you. T-Bone. Doctor Baby. Dob.”

“Are you trying to say D.O.B.?” Daniel asked.

“Yeah, that.” The strange guy sat down on the edge of the bed. “So, can we jet, or what? I think I might have a warrant out in this county.”

“No, you...a warrant?”

“There’s like a fifty-fifty chance.” The guy leaned over and rubbed Daniel’s stomach. “So, how’s the little Swaimster?”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Who are you?”

The strange guy’s face took on a sad-puppy expression. “It’s me! Michael! Michael Swaim? Your partner, your lover, the father of your child?”

“Ah, you’re Michael Swaim!” Dan rubbed his head again. “That explains...a lot, actually. I told the other guy, I’ve figured out that this is a prank, and if you let me go and give me back my pants, we can settle this without anyone being arrested or sued.”

Michael now looked like the saddest puppy in the world. “Don’t you remember me?”

“No, because we never actually met. We were going to, but then someone hit me on the head and did God only knows what to my stomach.”

“Dan! We met! We had adventures! Threesomes! That bomb in the building! Those times my head exploded! We fought robots!”

“Okay, now you’re just making up random things and claiming we did them.”

“Yeah, well you had sex with your own clone!”

“That’s exactly what I was talking about.”

“Dan!” Michael leaned in really close. “I love you!”

“Okay, you’re really freaking me out. How long is this going to go on? Is there like an escape - “

Michael cut him off with a kiss.

Dan jerked his head back. “Ow!” He put his hand to his face. “I think I’m bleeding.”

“Yeah, that happens.”

“You kiss people and make them bleed?”

“Only you. I think your face is weird.”

“Well stop it! Don’t kiss me anymore!”

“Ever?” For someone so creepy, Michael was good at looks of doe-eyed sadness.

Dan looked away uncomfortably. “Just don’t.”

\---

“Mr. O’Brien, I think we’ve managed to sort out, well, one of the mysteries. You have amnesia.”

“Bullshit!”

“Excuse me?” The doctor gave Dan a surprised look.

“Amnesia? Really? I have amnesia, and I’m pregnant, and I’m dating a guy who appears to be completely psychotic? I mean yes, I always thought I’d inevitably screw up my life, but only in ways that were actually possible.”

“I’m only here to address your medical status, Mr. O’Brien, not your life choices.”

“He thinks we fought robots.”

“I...the hospital has an excellent social worker. I could refer you.”

Dan dropped his head back against the pillow and sighed.

“Anyway.” The doctor coughed awkwardly. “I’d like to run more tests about the pregnancy. We did an emergency ultrasound when you were brought in, but I’d recommend a full exam by obstetrics, and more neurological tests to explain some of the...confusion about your situation.”

“No one’s testing anything!” A man with an eyepatch barged in. “Find him some pants, get him out of here, and forget you ever saw this.”

The doctor turned. “Who the fuck are you?” He glanced over at Dan with a confused expression.

Dan shrugged.

The man with the eyepatch stepped closer. “That information is available on a need to know basis, and you don’t need to know.” He turned to Dan. “O’Brien! Where’s Swaim?”

“No idea. He wandered off somewhere. Have we met? I have amnesia.” Dan tapped his head and waved vaguely in an attempt at an I-have-amnesia gesture which faltered when he realized he had no idea what that gesture would look like.

“Amnesia? Walk it off! We need to be out of here in twenty minutes. Get to the car, and I’ll find Swaim.”

“No!” Dan sat up.

Eyepatch Man leaned in real close. “What did you say?”

“I said no...sir? I don’t know you, from what little I’ve seen of Swaim he’s completely delusional and possibly on drugs, and I...appear to be inexplicably pregnant, which seems like the sort of situation that would be helped by doctors and...sane people. Sir.”

Eyepatch Man looked like he was about to tear Dan’s face off, before he stopped himself and took a deep breath. “You’re lucky you have amnesia, because the last man who refused a direct order from me choked to death on his own toenails. I’m Sarge, we’re all lucky that Michael is on drugs, and if we’re not out of here in twenty minutes, this hospital will burn to the ground.”

“Do you mean someone else is going to burn it, or are you...”

“Get your ass out of that bed, O’Brien, and get moving!”

\---

“Hiya, Sarge!” Michael was eating an apple. That was the most normal thing he’d done in the past hour. “Where are you taking Dan?”

“We have to get out of here now. Orders from the Chief.”

“Gasp! The Chief! I hear that guy farts nitroglycerine!”

Dan looked up at Michael. “Did you just say gasp out loud instead of gasping?”

“I might have. Want a bite of my heroin apple?

“We don’t have time to waste on heroin right now!” Sarge shouted. “You two need to get in the car, and I have to silence everyone in the hospital who remembers you.”

“Do you mean silence as in...” Dan trailed off.

“Do you really want to know, O’Brien?”

“Um, why do we have to leave so fast?”

“Because you two are dead.”

“Ooh, are we ghosts again?” Michael asked. “That was fun. Oooooh!” He threw a sheet over his head and went running off down the hall.

“We aren’t ghosts, are we?” Dan asked. “Normally I wouldn’t ask, but after today, I have no idea what might be real. I mean like thirty seconds ago, Michael didn’t even have a sheet.”

“As far as other people know, you two are dead. We need to make you disappear before the other Chiefs find out that Michael is not only alive, but reproducing, or you’ll be facing an army of pissed-off gods!” Sarge took a breath. “Literally. They have an army of pissed-off gods, which they use to keep people like Michael from breeding.”

“That is the single most logical thing that I’ve heard all day.” Dan rubbed his eyes. “So what do we do? Where do we go?”

"Mexico. There's a car gassed and ready outside. It has fifteen thousand in unmarked bills, ten thousand in gold, and two kilos of heroin."

"Heroin? Why the..." Dan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Michael, right?"

"Your memory's coming back?"

"No, lucky guess."

\---

“So Cracked shut down?”

“Nearly a year ago.”

“I don’t have a job?” Dan asked. Unemployed, pregnant, and dating a drug-addicted criminal. He was officially a character in a Lifetime movie.

“Your job is keep Michael out of trouble.”

“Is that even possible? Look, he’s eating a sponge!”

“Yeah, he does that,” said Sarge.

Michael looked up from the driver’s seat. “Want some?”

Dan put up his hand. “I’m good.” He climbed into the passenger seat.

“Get going, and no matter what you hear behind you, don’t look back!” Sarge slapped the hood of the car.

Michael slammed down the accelerator and took off like a rocket.

“Hey!” Dan grabbed at the door handle. “I was still fastening my seatbelt!”

“Where we’re going, we won’t need seatbelts.”

“You mean Mexico?”

“Oh, right.” Michael giggled.

They rode along in silence for several miles.

“So, um.” Dan tried to think of a topic of conversation. “You got me pregnant, apparently. How’s that work?”

“I don’t know. Sarge said he’d get me a book.”

\---

"If it's a boy, we should name it Rocketcrotch Awesomeface Swaim!"

"We are not doing that. Ever." For the fifteenth time that day, Dan pinched himself to see if he could wake up.

"If it's a girl, we can name it after that president you like."

"Which president? Theodore Roosevelt? Andrew Jackson?"

"That one you kept talking about."

"You need to be way more specific.”

"What about Tesla? You talk about him all the time. He was president right?"

"No, no he wasn't. How am I having a baby with you again?"

"We had sex and I stuck my penis in-"

"Michael!"

"No, it's okay. You told me I was allowed to put my penis in your butt. But not on your toothbrush. See, I wrote that down!"

"Top ten places Michael is allowed to put his penis? ...stapler, really?"

"Only the special one!"

"The Voodoo Donuts sign? Do I want to know?"

"They make the best bacon donuts ever!”

“And that’s a no.”

"Are you jealous of the bacon?"

"...no, that is not what I'm feeling."

"Because I love you even more than I love having sex with bacon!"

"...thank you?" Disturbingly, that may have been the most romantic thing ever made by anyone Dan had dated.

“So, can we get married?”

“What? No!” Dan took a deep breath. “Sorry, but you have to understand that from my perspective, we just met. And you...take some getting used to.” At least Dan hoped that was the case.

“If we’re not getting married, can we get bacon?”

“Actually, I could kind of go for some bacon.”

\---

Dan stepped into the motel room. “You understand, that bed’s mine and this bed’s yours, right?”

“Sure, fine, whatever. You’re kind of a pain in the ass when you have amnesia. You know that?”

Dan sat down on his bed, and started digging through his suitcase.

A scrap of paper fell out, and Michael picked it up. “What’s this? Words? Or...numbers or some crap like that?”

Dan tried to snatch it away. “It’s not important. It’s...my list of ways that the baby could come out.”

Michael held the paper out of Dan’s reach. “Our baby’s gay? Dan did you gayify the baby already?”

“I...how would that even...but you’re...” Dan took a deep breath. “No, I did not gayify the baby. You know how it’s inside of me right now?”

‘Yeah, in your uterus! I looked it up in Sarge’s book.”

Daniel shook his head. “I don’t have a uterus! That’s the entire problem! I explained that already.”

“Then where’s the baby?”

“I have no idea!”

“Dan, did you misplace the baby already?” Michael frowned. “Because I’m not going back to the diner to find it. It can stay there and live on milkshakes and bacon. Actually, I should probably go back before it eats all the bacon.”

“No, I didn’t misplace the baby. It’s somewhere in here,” Dan said, gesturing at his bulging stomach, “but I don’t know where, or what it’s attached to, or how any of this can be happening!”

Michael looked down at the list. “Is that why you put ‘The baby starts pulling on random internal organs until I die, and they have to cut it out of my dead body’ down at number seven?”

“Yes. I could only think of six worse possibilities.”

Michael’s eyes ran down the list. “Wow, you are really good at coming up with horrible ways you could die in childbirth. You should do this as your next article!”

“Didn’t Sarge say Cracked shut down?”

“Did he?” Michael frowned.

“Are we sure I’m the only one with amnesia?”

“What if I pull the baby out using magic?”

“Check number one.”

“Michael tries to pull the baby out using magic, and...what’s that word?”

“Eviscerated.”

“Oh.” Michael dropped the list. “Anyway, I’m going to check out the pay-per-view porn.”

\---

Dan lay down on the bed. He had never been that tired in his life. His eyes closed.

After a moment, they opened.

"What are you doing?" he asked, slapping Michael's hands away.

"Taking off your pants."

"Why?"

"Because last time I tried to bone you without taking your pants off, it didn’t go well."

Dan scooted back on the bed, as far away from Michael as he could get.

“Did you miss the point of the whole my bed - your bed thing?”

“Probably. I tune out whenever you’re being boring.”

"To put it simply, you’re not boning me.”

"I'm not?" Michael's face fell. "But you said I could! You even put yourself on the list!"

"But I have amnesia!"

"Amnesia means no boning?"

"Yes!" Dan snapped, trying not to panic. "That's exactly what amnesia means! No boning!"

"What about blowjobs?"

"No blowjobs."

"Handjobs?"

"No."

"Earjobs?"

Dan winced. "Definitely not. No earjobs, no footjobs, no armpit jobs, no jobs of any kind. Nothing that involves your penis touching my body in any way. Or you touching my penis. Or...objects, robots, elaborate sex devices, or anything else you can think of that involves you, me, and sex. All of that is completely off-limits."

"Forever?" Michael looked devastated.

"Yes!" Dan paused, looking at Michael's crushed expression. "Unless I change my mind." After all, pre-amnesia he'd apparently agreed to have sex with Michael, so it wasn't...entirely inconceivable that he'd change his mind?

Then again, he might simply have gone insane.

\---

“You know,” Dan said, as they pulled away from the motel, “I was thinking, and Tesla is a really good name for a girl.”

“Tesla? Like the band?”

“No, the inventor! Tesla Roosevelt O’Brien. That’s actually kind of pretty.”

“I like Spiderman.”

“Spiderman is really more of a boy’s name. I mean it’s got the word man right in there. It might be awkward for a girl.”

“You don’t want to name a girl Spiderman or Rocketcrotch? Wow, way to be bound by archaic gender roles, Dan.”

“I don’t want to name any baby Rocketcrotch!”

“What about Doctor Baby?”

“With like Doctor as the first name, and Baby as the middle name?”

“No, all one word. Doctorbaby.”

“No, I don’t like names that are just made-up words.”

“Okay, Mr. Pickypants. Hey, we should call the baby Dan if it’s a girl, and you can be Mr. Pickypants!”

“No, and no.”

“Fine, Negative Nancy. Hey!”

“I’m not changing my name to Negative Nancy, either. And we’re not naming the baby Dan unless it’s a boy, or you mean Danielle.”

“Danielle? Let’s not get crazy, Nancy.”

\---

“Can we get married now?” Michael asked. “Like right now? Just pull over to the side of the road and get married all over each other? There’s...birds, and shit.”

“Do you even understand what marriage is?”

“Does anyone?”

Dan shook his head. “What do you think’s changed in the past two days?”

“I’m bored.”

Dan looked in the rearview mirror. “Hey, is that van following us? It’s been behind us for a while now.”

“I don’t know. Which one’s a van?”

“The big black thing that’s on our tail.”

“Gee, racist, much?”

“I...it’s a vehicle! The thing with wheels.”

“Oh, right, that.” Michael glanced back. “Gasp, it’s probably the Chiefs!”

“The Chiefs? Those guys Sarge told me about with an army of angry gods?”

“I hear those guys once melted an entire continent because they thought it was looking at them funny. I’m going to floor it.” Michael slammed his foot down on the accelerator.

Dan clung to the little handle above the door.

\---

“I can’t shake them!” Michael’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

“We’re running low on fuel! Can you...magic gasoline into the car or something?”

“Only in the presence of hippies.” Michael’s face took on an expression of steely-eyed determination. “There’s only one thing left for me to do.”

He spun the car in a 180-degree turn and slammed on the brakes.

“What are you doing?” Dan grabbed Michael’s arm. “There’s a pissed-off army of angry gods out there! They’ll kill you!”

Michael opened the car door. Dan was struck by how handsome he looked when he was being heroic.

Maybe I wasn’t totally insane when I dated him, Dan thought.

“I’m going to fight them with boners.”

No, I actually was. “You can’t fight them with your dick!”

“Can to! Anyway, I wasn’t talking about my dick, for once. I meant Bonerz!” Suddenly, his arms were wrapped around a chihuahua.

“Where’d that dog come from?”

Michael smiled. “He’s been with me the whole time.”

Dan sat back, watching Michael stride forward valiantly. This couldn’t get any worse.

Suddenly, it did.

Dan, for obvious reasons, wasn’t entirely sure what labor pains felt like, but he suspected that low, crampy feeling was it.

\---

“It’s okay!” Michael flung the door open. “It’s not the other Chiefs! It’s just the posse. All they’ve got is pitchforks and guns and stuff.”

“What posse?”

“I’m wanted for animal rape in...I don’t know, like a million counties?”

“That’s...horrifying.”

“It’s bullshit, anyway. They didn’t even ask the giraffe if it was willing or not.”

Suddenly, a bullet shot through the back window.

“Holy shit!” Dan flinched. “What was that?”

“I guess they’re still pissed. It’s okay, I’m immune to guns.”

“I’m not! We have to get out of here!”

“Okay, fine, whatever.” Michael started the car and took off.

\---

“Ow!” Dan clutched his stomach. “Shit, ow!”

Michael didn’t glance over. “Bad burrito? I’m pretty sure I can’t stop driving before we cross the state line, or they’ll try to shoot us again, but if you can’t hold it, there’s a hat in the back seat that’s good for pooping in.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m in labor.”

“...can you still use the hat?”

“Michael, listen. We need to go find a hospital, or, like a wizard or something. Holy fuck, ow! There’s a baby in here trying to get out, and there’s nowhere for it to go.”

“There’s probably an empty bucket of fried chicken back there as well.”

“Michael.” Dan put his hand on Michael’s arm. “I don’t have a vagina, and that’s the part the baby comes out of!”

“Are you sure? Because that doesn’t sound right.”

“Which bit, the part about babies coming from vaginas, or the bit about me not having one?”

“Both of those things sound pretty implausible.”

“Ow, fuck!” Dan started trying to do Lamaze breathing. He didn’t actually know how, but he’d seen it on TV, and it was supposed to help make it hurt less?

....yeah, that didn’t hurt any less.

“Is your vagina okay?”

“I just said I don’t have a vagina! Can you do something before this thing bursts out of my stomach and kills me?”

“Like in Alien? That movie was awesome!”

“Michael!”

Michael looked over. “Are you going to be yelling like a bitch the whole time until the babies are born?”

“Yes, because it fucking hurts!”

“Okay, fine. Just give me a few minutes.” Michael revved up the engine, then did a u-turn against the traffic which made Dan scream. He did a sharp right and ducked down a string of side roads, then pulled over into some bushes.

“Okay,” he said, rubbing his hands together, “Let’s get those babies out of there.”

“Michael, no, Michael, don’t...” Dan closed his eyes, not wanting to see the moment when Michael accidentally turned his insides out.

Suddenly, the horrible cramping pain was gone. He heard a baby cry.

He opened his eyes.

Michael was holding a baby in each arm and grinning. “See? I told you I could do it!”

Dan blinked. “Are those...our babies?”

“Yep! Spiderman Rocketcrotch, and Tesla Awesomeface.”

Dan reached his arms out. “How come they’re all clean and wrapped in blankets?”

“Because otherwise they’d be dirty. And cold. Duh!”

Dan looked down at the babies. They were adorable, and as far as he could tell, human.

“They’re so sweet!”

“I know!” Michael grinned.

“You know,” said Dan, “When I first found out I was in a relationship with you, I thought I’d gone completely insane to even consider dating you. But now I can kind of see what I might have seen in you. It’ll take some time, but with patience and effort, I think we can put things back together.”

A brick came flying through the gap from the shattered back window.

\---

“Dan! Wake up! I’m bored!”

Dan sat up and rubbed his head. “Damn, I thought that guy was going to hit me for sure.” He looked around. “Where am I?” He glanced down, then touched his stomach. “I’m not pregnant! The baby! What happened?”

“It’s okay, they’re in the back seat.” Michael pointed back.

Dan looked in the back seat. There were two babies strapped into baby seats, one in a pink onesie, and one in blue. “Twins? And they’re born? What happened? Did I get hit by a car and go into a coma or something?

“No, you got amnesia. You didn’t remember ever meeting me or working for Cracked. You were really freaked out.” Michael giggled. “Then that one guy threw a brick at your head and fixed you.”

“Amnesia? Really?” Dan rubbed his head. “I got hit on the head, and got amnesia? And then I was cured when I got hit on the head again?”

“Yeah. Does that mean you’re back on the list of places I can put my penis? Because you scratched yourself off the list.”

“Can we talk about that when my head isn’t bleeding?” Dan looked at his hand. “How much blood before I need to see a doctor?”

“No, you’re not going near a doctor again. Sarge said he can’t hide any more bodies.”

“...okay, I guess?”

“Hey, Dan!” Michael turned and grinned at him. “You got amnesia, then forgot about what happened when you had amnesia. Is that double amnesia?”

“It’s being trapped in a cartoon. So...did you name the babies yet?”

“Yeah! He’s Spiderman Rocketcrotch Swain, and she’s Tesla Awesomeface Swain.”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No, Michael, that’s ridiculous.”

“Amnesia!Dan said it was fine.”

“I don’t care. I must have had brain damage or something. They’re my children, and they’re going to be named O’Brien!”

“...we could name them Swaimbrien? Or O’Brain? Dude!” Michael slapped his hands against the steering wheel. “We should get married, then we can all be O’Brains!”

Dan sighed. “That’s why you want to get married? Really?”

“Is that a yes?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it is!”


End file.
